Dear Senator Kohl

Holla Holla Big Balla

We don’t think it’s any coincidence that the same week went up, Wisconsin Senator Herb Kohl A) proved he’s still actually breathing, and B) did so by announcing his retirement.  He could sense the level of pain we could bring onto a man like himself and just decided to quit while he’s ahead.  Well played Herb, well played.  But in the name of Defending Wisconsin, here’s a parting shot.

Dear Senator Kohl,

You may not have noticed, but Wisconsin was in the news back in February.  And not just the prestigious Journal-Sentinal sort of news, ALL the news (even the Press-Gazette!).  It was sort of a major issue.  Further, some might say it was a clear opportunity for a guy like you to throw his big ol’ senior senator balls around.  As in, “Hey unwashed masses, I built Kohl’s and sold it for many many millions, I own the god damned Bucks, I’m the richest guy in the entire U.S. Senate, and UW plays at the fucking KOHL Center- yeah, that’s me.  I’m 76, I’m retiring soon, and I don’t give two shits what anyone thinks.” You could really have had free reign there, and lots of national press attention.  Here’s a list of awesome things you could have done during the protests and totally gotten away with that are better than what you actually did which was not a damn thing:

  • Been photographed repeatedly punching one of those dirty hippie protesters in the face on the floor of the rotunda and then breaking his drum over his head and having your security detail tazer all his dirty hippie friends.
  • Gotten on YouTube taking bong rips with a bunch of teachers on the capitol lawn.
  • Gotten piss drunk at the Dane before marching directly into Walker’s office, calling him a bitch, and pissing on his desk.  Extra bonus points if you had done this with Tommy Thompson.
  • Gotten rich guy v rich guy with the Koch brothers and told them to get their fucking silver spoon asses out of our Great State.  Extra bonus points if you did this while on Fox News or the Daily Show.
  • Grabbed a microphone at any time and given a rousing speech on truth, justice, and the American way – or on any other topic whatsoever.
  • Stood next to Jesse Jackson on stage during his speech, loudly heckled him the entire time, called him a douchebag, and given him a wet willie.
  • Arranged a press conference with Russ Feingold for the sole purpose of pantsing him in front of everybody.

You’ve done a lot for the State Herb, and we wish you well.  Just remember that you have plenty of time left in office and you know this shit is going to flare up again with all the recalls.  IT’S NOT TOO LATE.

The Defend-Wisconsin Family

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